July 3, 2015 Mcallen TX
Today, I am with my brother David in MacAllen Texas living with Ahya Duane and his family in his brother Mark's big house and it is such a beautiful home. I am able to sleep and rest and enjoy time on my own. GOD has brought up to me to pray and continually pray for His promises for me. For the past weeks being in Houston, GOD has reminded me the promise He gave me back January 2010. It was a promise very long ago that I thought was already dead. It was dead because it had to die and I never thought he would raise it back to life again. But He brought this promise back to life since last month. GOD has spoken to me first of all on May 2015 when we first came to Ate Dit's house. I spoke to her what had happened to me the last 5 years of my life when I was in London and how GOD had spoken to me that HE has chosen me to be the wife of Earl. Before I could even say his name, she already knew it and spoken his name. And I told her how that promise had led to tragic events in my life in the church and in my faith. She cried suddenly, not because she was emotional because the Holy Spirit was grieved and was crying through her, why those things have to happen. She told me that a delay doesn't mean a denial. But I just shrugged what she told me aside because I was not willing anymore to raise back to life what I had already buried. But after GOD had delivered me from the powers and lies of darkness through my relationship with Antonio. GOD has also been pouring out His Spirit of truth back into me and had spoken to me once again of what once has still remained to be. I didn't want to accept it at first, I ran from it, shook it off, just didn't want to believe it. But GOD had not retired from telling me, that His promise still stands, whether I like it or not. Finally I came to accept it after many preachings in church, be it in Lakewood or in the Filipino church in Sugar Grove. One time in the Sugar Grove Church where the pastor is Filipino had spoken specifically on Genesis 22 on Father's Day. It was unlikely for a preacher to preach that on Father's day but this was the same word that GOD had spoken to me about the promise being just a test. The preaching made me understand somehow why Abraham had to sacrifice his son Isaac on father's day... it was so that the love of a father to a son could be refined by fire thru the test of dying. The preaching also left me a disturbing thought. Was the promise a test? Or was my faith tested thru the difficulty of the promise? I put to death the promise because GOD had specifically spoken to let it die on July 2011 in 1 Samuel 16:1 and November 11, 2011 in Genesis 22. GOD wanted me to lay it down and I was more than willing to bury it because it was too much for me to carry that it had become a great burden than it was a blessing. Ever since I buried the revelation, GOD had given me new revelations that I was going to marry a Jew and I believed GOD. So on January 2012 I met someone online and started a relationship with a Jewish guy named Oren. He was sweet and geek, but he didn't love Yeshua and he told me time and again that he would not love GOD as much as I would. It was fair enough that he would tell me the honest truth, GOD made a way for me to let the relationship go thru another jewish man named Antonio. This man was not the typical man, because he was certainly spiritual but he did not belong to the light but to the dark. I was deceived by the powers of darkness at work within him but GOD had delivered me out of that horrible relationship when he brought me to Ate Dit's house in Texas. Now I am free and no longer bound, GOD had resurrected the promise I thought had already died so long ago. It scares me to think about all the things that need to happen before it could take place because of my past experience just holding on to that promise. But I will trust GOD and depend on the Holy Spirit to be careful to whoever I talk to. I know I need to guard not just my heart but myself from being attacked by the enemy once again. The promise had disturbed my whole being, just as it did once because it is just too much. I don't know why it stirs all kinds of emotions in my heart when this man is just a regular person. Not even my type, but everytime I think about him, butterflies and waves of emotions flood thru my heart and mind. I am careful this time not to make an idol of imaginary things. I cannot let this promise destroy me once again. I am so tired already. I just want to concentrate on my career. I want to make my life different this time. I want to be successful, I want to focus on my career and really be productive and effective. I've been praying for that. I just want to forget my heart until it is time for him to find me. Please Father, let me forget my heart until it is time. Please. Do not allow me to feel anything because the feelings are so strong. Just let these feelings die.
Today GOD spoke to me about how to pray for my promise.
“As it is written, I have made you a father of many nations in the presence of Him whom He believed-God, who gives life to the dead, and calls those things which do not exist as though they did” - Romans 4:17
My prayers should be prayed in faith and declaration because I ought not to ask anymore because what He said is already mine. Instead I ought to speak greatness into his life and declare that he is a man of faith, strong and bold. Filled the Holy Spirit of GOD, adoring husband to me and doting father to his children. I need to sow seeds today, instead of just waiting, I have to exercise faith and more faith thru the words I speak and to see those things which he is trying to show me.
4 September 2017
I read this now and wow!!! How poor and confused I should have been during those bewilderment times... so much pain of believing and being fooled once again. Just like that song "I can't believe that I'm the fool again!" But reading this blog made me realize everything today. GOD's promise for me marrying a Jew is the True Promise. Because long after I came home, Ate Dit told me that the "Earl" revelation have to be let go. I realize now that Earl was only a foreshadow of the true man GOD had chosen for me (of Jewish descent) that was to come. Earl's name converted to Hebrew is the name of the true chosen man that GOD wants for me, whoever he is, I know he is a man of nobility and without deceit. And one thing for sure is that he loves Yeshua as much as I do. =) Yipeeeee!!!
